Simple guidelines to cope with loneliness
About loneliness said, written and sung a lot. And it is said that many people suffer from it. It is suffering, because they want to, but don't know how and where to find a life partner.
True, there are those who really are not afraid of loneliness. On the contrary, they strongly aspire to it and even making an effort to get rid of the environment, which is tiring and intrusive. "I am never less lonely than when I am alone," said Roman politician Marc Cato.
The same introverts prefer to remain most of the time alone. Although about them you can hardly say that they suffer from loneliness — it they need to recharge, after which they are ready to go to the people. But soon they again will need a respite, and they zapolzut into his hole to reflect and recharge.
Why am I alone?
To seek solitude and people who suffer from Sociophobia. They are experiencing a haunting fear in situations that require contact with other people. Conversations with strangers, interviews, speeches, being in public places where a lot of people, and even hiking on dates — for them neperenosimaja flour. This fear is so strong that they have hand tremors heartbeat quickens and voice, dizzy, starts vomiting, so they better remain at home "in their own interests than to expose myself to stress.
But their loneliness forced and painful, and can only help them psychotherapist who will find out the cause of the phobia and help to cope with it. A common cause of sociofobii lies in low self-esteem. "You're dumb or what?" said dad child bringing a bad evaluation. "You WIMP!" — tells him coach. "Well, you and fatty!" — laugh at girl children.
And here's the child closed in on itself: like the cochlea, it is creeping into your sink, where nobody would get and not hurt. Exit for it involves painful feelings, because it is considered to be "there" saving, clumsy and weak. He feared negative assessment and condemnation, so prefer not to injure myself again, and with envy watching their peers, that any company feel easily and naturally.
Some people choose loneliness consciously. They had experience, which turned out to be unfortunate for them, so they decided that it would no longer be repeated. They like the freedom that they have gained.
French author Herve Bazin, author of the popular novel "married life," noticed that marriage is like a beleaguered fortress: those who are outside, eager to be inside; those who got inside, dream of escaping to the outside.
To keep friendships or dating relationship, you need to work on them: it is impossible to keep the person became of us boring and bad. But not everybody wants to make an effort to make concessions, to deny yourself and with others. "Too high a price to be paid for the communication" — and decide they are left alone. Loneliness — it is their choice.
Loneliness choose and those who know betrayal. Betrayed by a friend, my husband, my love — and each potential satellite is seen as a traitor. "I am afraid that I will make again hurt, so more close and anyone not podpushhu. It is better to be single than relive treason "say vulnerable people.
Often survivors of parting, get depressed. But then the feeling of the end of the world gives way to joy of freedom: they get rid of feelings of guilt, they were married. "Why has brought little money?", "why there is no soup today?" and "because of you I have not defended", "where have you been? You should have a long time back "— similar questions put a person in a position of odd kitten and reduces his self-esteem, he gradually ceases to respect themselves. And now, when you are ready, no hurry to disturb his peace and enter into new relationships.
Single remain and people bringing other inflated claims. Besides these requirements often do not correspond to their own status. "Looking for a beautiful, slender, with companion not older than 30 years, without family past, children and bad habits," said 45-year-old obrjuzgshij man living with his mother in a tiny apartment. "I am so lonely," he complains to friends after unsuccessful searches.
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Another reason why loneliness is intolerance. "I was straining the loneliness, but annoy other people! This snoring, and he throws a wet towel anywhere. 3rd constantly takes the bathroom, and I can't get there when I need to! No, better I'll be the one "— makes your choice a woman. "She can't cook so tasty as my mom. She laid my things in my closet, and now I can not find anything. And all of a sudden she wants children and begins to claim the money? And I'll have to work three times more to all contain. Why do I need it? One, but without any problems, "Decides to man.
"In fact, my kind of loneliness to survive the hardest. Loneliness does not mean that you are locked alone in his room. You can be in a crowded place and still feel most lonely man, because nobody really does not belong "— Freddie Mercury.
However, the loneliness of modern humans differ from the loneliness of people who lived during the time when almost the only entertainment was a tv and books. Now it is not experienced as acute, because to all sorts of social networks and websites, where they find the company of interest. Some of them get an extensive correspondence and often come up with a "legend", posing as a person of the opposite sex, age and social status.
Here married become free, and free is a married women, men, women, men, teens posing for faculty experts and older people allow themselves to rock old and seem juncami. Here, relax, forget and try on different roles themselves. And this virtual communication attracts much more real.
Looking for a life partner.
Such ads with shouts of soul filled with all sorts of dating sites. Many single people do not want to put up with her loneliness. But they don't know what else to take to change the situation. Psychologists say: "just start chat!".
Often people become fixated on her alone or, worse, ozlobljajutsja. They feel "strangers at this celebration of life," and spend their weekend home, only to see a company not the busiest of people. It seems that all of them look and think: "are you the one, one …", and then the loneliness is even sharper.
But, as the saying goes, you can't change the circumstances change their attitude towards him. Remember the Sage words of "always" and take to solitude as a temporary phenomenon. But because lying stone and water is not flowing, you need to act. No one knows that somewhere on the eighth floor in one of the houses of the sleeping area sits lonely Sasha or lonely and suffers from loneliness. "Just do it!" — come out in people.
Where exactly? In the gym, swimming pool, jogging. You can get a dog and join the community of thoughts, which are collected every day in a nearby park, to talk about their home pets. Or to the exhibition, football is the place where the chances to meet increased significantly.
You can take a chance and change jobs: girl-accountant, prosizhivajushhej all day in the company of older female staff, find a suitable companion is much harder than girl-programmer, surrounded by interesting young people. Need to increase the number of chances to make friends!
However, you can wait for their chance and then erroneously miss it. You need to be prepared to chance! This means that you should try to: do not be grey moth (unless, of course, we do not want to see next to each other the same gray mole), and many read, watch, travel to us was interesting. This means that it is worth working on his charisma to become a man of versatile, friendly and positive, because nobody wants to have their companion forever nojushhego pessimist!
If we do not have the gift of interesting Narrator, you can develop the quality of the active listener. Active listeners are the most coveted interlocutors!
Always say "Yes". "Always" is certainly exaggerated. After all, as Paulo Coelho, saying another "Yes", first make sure that you don't say ' no ' to yourself. At the same time constantly denying people in meetings and requests assistance, can be accomplished only one thing: they will cease to apply to us, and then completely forget about our existence. And we just have to wonder why no one is nearby.